I woke up this morning feeling quite groggy and disoriented with a peculiar sense that something was out of place. The sun was brighter than I expected…perhaps I overslept. Wondering how long I’d been out, I looked towards my dresser to check my alarm clock and instead saw a coffee maker. And then I realized I was sitting…at the kitchen table.
Picking my head up off my folded arms which had doubled as a makeshift pillow for…I don’t know how long, I decided to look up at the wall clock and check the time…8:12 AM. Huh…not too much later than I expected. But why am I in the kitchen? And why is it frickin’ freezing in here?!
Then I got up and walked over to my phone which was plugged in and charging on my kitchen counter…also 8:12 AM…of January 13! 2019! Holy frozen snot-cicles, Batman! That meant I had been out for a little over four months!
And THAT is the reason I have been totally incommunicado since the end of August.
Like I said back then, health research can be dangerous for INFJs. I think I dosed off at my laptop after hitting “publish” on that post, hit my head on the table, and fell into a deep sleep coma until today…a sleep coma so strong not even a New Year’s ball-dropping or the ghost of Dick Clark could stir me from my trans-seasonal slumber.
Fortunately my brain had a lot of time to think during four months of sleep. And dream during almost thirty cumulative days of REM sleep. You’ve heard the saying “More is always better,” right? How about “Even more is even way better?”
Basically my four-month coma was like four months of meditation, but since it was consecutive, the intellectual affect accumulated at an exponential rate and wound up being the equivalent of 150 YEARS of meditation on a snowy Tibetan mountain top. Needless to say, I’m like, really smart now (albeit a little stiff and sore).
No…you don’t even understand. I’m like Stephen Hawking if he had discovered a cure for ALS and lived to talk about it. I’m like John McCain if he didn’t get caught in Vietnam and later surgically removed his own brain tumor to continue voting in the senate (but not for sissy things like giving poor people healthcare).
Hey, gasp all you want, but our president prefers “heroes” who don’t get caught, and I have to agree; we don’t do participation trophies here. Anyway, back to me…I have really great ideas, beautiful ideas, probably the best ideas ever thought, at least that’s what everyone has been telling me. Of course the press won’t cover it, so I have to tell you directly.
Lucky for you I’m still feeling generous after sleeping through the holiday season – all that thinking I did for others – so I’m going to share with you my best ideas to make you, America, the world, and the whole universe even better. Think about it…do you want your life to be better, worse, or stay the same? I thought so.
So without further ado – and in a second homage to David Letterman and his iconic top-ten lists – I give you…TEN LIFE LESSONS TO LIVE BETTER IN 2019!
#1: If You See Something in the News You Don’t Like, Remind Yourself That It’s Probably Fake
The media is terrible these days and clearly doing a disservice to the American people. The best thing you can do to prevent that from affecting you on a day-to-day basis is to remember that about one hundred percent of the things you hear that don’t sound good to you are fake. On the other hand, if something does sound real to you, it probably is.
This strategy is a comforting way to remind yourself that everything is exactly as you think it is, even if other people – and facts or common sense – say otherwise.
The next time you read or hear something on the news that makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself “Does this SEEM true?” If the answer is “No,” then you should assume that it isn’t. If the answer is “Yes,” then the most beneficial course of action is to believe it and behave as if it were.
This does get a little more complicated, however, when we start to consider feelings. If something SEEMS true but you don’t want it to be, then you have to weigh the pros and cons and what makes you more uncomfortable. Would you rather believe something that SEEMS to be true but you don’t want it to be, or something that doesn’t SEEM to be true but you would be happy if it were? Or would you rather believe neither?
Just remember, happiness is a choice…and so is truth.
#2: Sabotage Others (So You Can Win Yourself)
There are two concepts that science – if you believe in that sort of thing – has proven over the years:
First, if you want to win, someone else has to lose. In order to make your life better, someone else’s has to get worse. You can’t be happy unless someone else gets sad. That’s just the fax of life, and life isn’t fair. So you have to ask yourself, which side do you want to be on? Don’t look at it as taking advantage of others, look at it as self-defense. If a bear were chasing you, with gnashing teeth and swiping paws, are you taking a bear’s life or protecting your own? Trust me, that’s a perfect analogy if you don’t think about it.
Second, it’s much easier to sabotage your opponent than it is to work hard and win by skill. Learning takes years. Practice takes practice. Exercise and persistence are exhausting and drain much needed resources that could be used for back-stabbing or defamation of character. Learn to work smarter, not harder.
#3: Teamwork Is for Suckers…After You Get What You Want
Sure, you’re going to need to use people in life to get where you want to go, but don’t let yourself get too attached; that’s what Buddha said. Other people are only as good for you as the money, fame, power, and prestige they help bring you.
If it’s clear that they no longer have anything to offer you, start to distance yourself. It’ll be awkward for you at first, but the longer you hold out, the easier it becomes. Then when anyone asks you about them, make it clear you never knew them…at least not very well…not sure I’ve ever met them?
If you hold onto people too long, beyond the point where they have nothing else of value for you to steal from them, they just begin to make you weak and hold you back. You’ll know you’ve kept them too long once you start to feel emotions of attachment like sympathy, empathy, or even…god forbid…love. Don’t let them overstay their welcome.
#4: Protect Your Ideas and Help Build That Wall
The only thing that can stop you and all of your great ideas – most of which you’re getting from me right now – is other people with not-so-great ideas. Most of those people come from Mexico and try to smuggle their stupid ideas – like all-inclusive resorts, corn tortillas, and absurdly large hats – across our border and into our smart country. And you know they’re stupid ideas because they’re different from yours.
What are we to do about this? Of course…build a wall. If there were a really big wall across the whole border, no one could ever bring their stupid ideas into our country. Think about it, it’s the very premise that mazes are built on. If you want to get to the prize at the end – the luxury of coming into our smart country – you have to work your way through a bunch of long, difficult, random, and arbitrary dead ends before you can get here…unless the maze operator at the end decides he doesn’t want you here anyway. Or you die of starvation before reaching the end…or while sitting at the end waiting for the maze operator to bring you water.
I’m so passionate about this that I urge each and every one of you to write your congressmen (there aren’t enough “congresswomen” to matter, so don’t worry about them), and demand that they don’t pay you (even though you still have to work), process your tax return (even though you have bills to pay), or let you take vacations to federal parks (Yellowstone blows anyway) until they secure every last dime for that wall. The dumbing down of America is a real crisis situation – an emergency, you might say – and it’s all Mexico’s fault.
#5: Perception Trumps Intent
It’s not the other person’s intent that matters but rather how you perceive it. If what they said or did made you FEEL offended, then it was offensive. If it made you FEEL attacked, then it was an attack. If you simply heard them wrong, then they should have spoken more clearly. You are the sole arbiter of the righteousness of others if for no other reason than the fact that you chose to be.
You’re not taking it the wrong way, you’re taking it your way, which is what everyone else needs to learn and consider before they open their damn mouth. Just like in law, ignorance is no excuse (unless they’re president). If they want to live in your world, they need to know how you process things…and, for that matter, they should speak your language too, not whatever gibberish they brought here from some other country.
#6: If You Don’t Understand Something, the Devil Is Probably Behind It
If something is too complicated to understand, it’s not because you’re stupid or ignorant, it’s because the devil is trying to trick you. This is the reason that God gave us the feelings of fear and hatred, so that we would know when the devil was acting upon us. Consider them your sin-o-meter. Or your heathen radar.
Science seems complicated because it’s the devil’s trick. Same with economics. Don’t even get me started on Rubik and his Devil Cube. Never believe anyone who tries to explain something to you that you don’t understand because the devil is probably speaking through them. Don’t try to learn or even listen, because that’s how the devil possesses your soul too.
This is also why people who look different and talk different and have different views seem so “scary” to us; the devil is inside them as well. Any time someone scares you by the way they look or because they speak words you don’t recognize, trust your feelings and stay clear of the situation. Anything you might learn from someone different is definitely not worth the risk of shattering your own tightly-held beliefs or the risk to your physical safety. Better safe than sorry…or dead. That’s what Jesus always said.
#7: If It Sounds Too Good To Be True, Do It
How many times has someone offered you a great business idea – like building a tower in Moscow with your name on it – and you wussed out because it sounded too good to be true? Or you just tried to keep it secret because you were afraid of what people would think or that you were doing something illegal, so you couldn’t even take the credit for it and instead acted like you didn’t know anything about it?
How many times did you have a chance to vote for an alleged self-made billionaire as candidate for president who would’ve made your life a million times better, but you didn’t just because they wouldn’t show their tax returns? Or because they seemed sexist? Or racist? Or not “traditionally” intelligent? Or maybe had a dollop of narcissistic personality disorder?
If it sounds too good to be true, go for it. Even if it fails, there’s always bankruptcy. Or Dad’s savings. Or other people’s money; a loan is just an intention to repay until you decide it’s no longer in your best interest.
#8: Don’t Worry About Your Impact on Others
Stop thinking about your impact on other people. That barista didn’t have a bad day because you yelled at them for putting in too much vanilla, they had a bad day because they suck at their job, which isn’t your problem.
They also wouldn’t have felt any better if you had apologized. Or helped them pick up that tray that spilled on the floor, the one you bumped while angrily pushing your way to the trash can to pour out the shit vanilla latte you refused to pay for. They need to work on not sucking, and you being nice or helping them out is just enabling their awfulness.
More generally, stop thinking you can make a difference at anything, you’re just one person. Which is also why you shouldn’t bother voting. Or can’t possibly contribute to climate change. Fake news (see life lesson #1).
#9: Don’t Share Too Much
Don’t share too many of your good ideas with other people because they might not need you anymore. You want to share just enough information so that they think that you’re being helpful and will continue to work with you while you take advantage of them for a little while longer.
You will know that you have shared too much if you hear things like “Thanks for the help!” or “That makes so much sense!” or “Boy, the world sure would be a better place with more people like you in it!”
This life lesson is also the reason why, even though I advertised as such, I’m not going to give you lesson number ten. That’s right, what did you expect, that I’d just give away all my life lessons? Ha! No, but stick around long enough, and you’ll get it eventually. Just keep following me, sharing me, and showering me with “likes”…oh there’s a #10, alright, believe me! There’s definitely a #10, and it’s beautiful, and no one else has one.
Okay, okay…you twisted my arm. I’ll give you #10…
#10: You’re Either With Us or You’re With Them
You’ve seen movies right? They’re all about the good guys vs. the bad guys, right vs. wrong. Life is quite similar, but unlike Hollywood there are no extras…you’re either on our side or you’re on their side. And one of those sides is the right one. Can you figure out which is which?
All of these intellectual eggheads like to talk about “shades of gray” and “nuances” and other fancy-pants words like that, but I can tell you – and believe me, I know – this world is as black-and-white as my TV screen, and if you’re struggling to figure out which side you’re on, I’ll give you a hint…it’s probably the wrong one.
So what’s the life lesson here? You have to practice identifying which people are the good people and which people are the bad people, simple as that. It’s not your fault if they’re bad, they were just born that way, but it is your responsibility to know which they are. And they’re easy to identify because they stick out like a sore thumb…or weeds in a garden, if you will.
The next time you encounter a new person, you have to make a judgment call based on information you have: is this a good person or an evil person? Are they on my side or the other side? Are they a winner or a loser? Once you know, label them as such and make sure the rest of the world knows too. And don’t second-guess yourself or look for evidence to the contrary; trust your gut and go with it, because gut feelings are always the most reliable. Self-reflection is a pathetic waste of time.
So are you a winner or a loser? I’m quite confident you can take it from there…my work here is done.